Relationships

My very depressed client asked me why relationships were important Before I could answer he told me that I probably would say something about passing the time until we die.  I told you he was very depressed!  But my answer had nothing to do with what he thought.  I had to contemplate my answer for a little while before I told him.
He talked before about intersubjectivity and how important it is see ourselves as others see us in order le to get a clear view of who we actually are.  So that was part of my answer.  But the other part was that in order to know how connected we are one another we must have relationships which continued through time and space.  He told me that he felt that relationships just came and went and therefore they were purposeless to him.  He said that he saw all of his friends from high school go off into the world.  Some he had never seen again.  Some he saw again, but they felt changed, like they weren't even the same person.  The truth of the matter is that none of us are the same people year after year.  Our experiences, thoughts and feelings, heck, our even underwear change day to day. ( I guess I don't really change just because of my underwear....)  But my friendships change and come and go.  Sometimes I choose to end relationships for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes they end because of circumstances or logistics.  And sometimes they just fade away.  But no matter what the friendships always matter in making me who I am.
I told my clients that friendships are like layers in making us who we are.  No matter who I am still in contact with, the fact that we interacted and talked and loved one another or hated one another or had only a shared experience, creates a layer in my heart and soul that never changes.  I think we sort of download ourselves into each other's psyches.
In order to know that we are connected to the universe, to one another, to the tacos and the skyscrapers and the lawnmower... we need to be with other beings.
By sharing our hearts and minds, either one-on-one or in a community, we become larger than ourselves.  We are able to stand with solidarity with other people have empathy for their experiences, good or bad.  This is one of the things I like best about being a therapist.
That young man, so depressed and lost and lonely, comes every week like clockwork.  I think the relationship in therapy is a bright spot for him in a world that looks so bleak.  I think I am the only person listening in an honest effort to really feel what it's like to be in his body and his world.  I feel very privileged  that he lets me try.
Whenever we think we are alone, whether we believe in God are power in the universe beyond ourselves, you're never alone because everyone who's ever touched our lives remains in our hearts and our souls.  The more people we connect with, the more we grow.  Maybe that is the answer to gun violence.  People who feel connected to the world than to others could never choose to take someone else's life for any purpose. The answer really isn't making new laws.  It's strengthening the connections between each other.  It's recognizing that we are the same.