Grief 2

So did you think you are done with the grieving process? I'm just getting started. 
Kubler Ross said that the grieving process consisted of five stage:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  As I said yesterday, this model gives the false impression that grief is a neat package of steps, when it is really a messy roadmap.  Since Kubler Ross there have been other proposed ideas about the stages of grief and it is becoming a little closer to what actually happens.  There is one thing consistent about grief and that  is that you always go back into denial between the working parts of the stages.
The stages each have a purpose as well.  Denial is so that you won't go crazy and can continue to function while you do the work of grief.  The other stages are more fluid, too, and they each have their own purpose.  I want to talk about guilt today because it seems so maligned and misunderstood. 
Even if you have no reason to feel guilty, guilt can give you a sense of control over the situation.
Now I don't know about you, but I like to think that I have some control over my destiny.  A diagnosis of multiple sclerosis takes a lot of the control out of my hands.  I know that there is nothing that I could've done to foresee or stop the diagnosis from happening.  There is very little known about where MS originates.  Scientists keep going back to the idea that it is a virus gone crazy.  So perhaps if I would've been more aware of viruses since I was a small child, I could've kept myself from getting sick... not very likely.  But I have had my own guilt about not taking care of myself or not recognizing the symptoms soon enough,  or just not getting onto the medications soon enough.  Denial is useful in helping you get through the day, but it's not useful when it keeps you from getting the treatment that you need!  I could've gone to one of disease modifying drugs about a year earlier, but I just didn't feel like I needed it, and I kept hoping that maybe I just had benign MS and that I would still be able to have a nice normal life.  So I get to have some guilt about waiting so long to go on the medication, because really, the control that I have, is over how I manage my MS. And control is a good thing.
People think that guilt is a bad thing.  Guilt is actually okay.  You should feel guilty about some things!  If you do something wrong you should feel little guilty.  I was at Michael's one day and I was buying some little wooden beads for a project.  When I got to the checkout I couldn't find the little bag of beads anywhere!  I figured I must've dropped them somewhere in a store and it wasn't worth going back for a $.99 package of beads.  When I got to my car and looked for my keys in my purse, lo and behold, there was a little package of beads!  I stole them!  So I should've just take them back into the store, but I didn't.  So I have a wee bit of guilt about that.  Guilt comes with bad behavior.  Do I think that I am a bad person because I stole a $.99 package of beads on accident?  No, but it wasn't very nice behavior.  If I thought I was bad person, that wouldn't be guilt, it would be shame.  Shame is a bad feeling about yourself and guilt is a bad feeling about your behavior.  Your behavior you can change because it's just a choice.  Misplaced guilt can become shame and shame is never useful.
It would be easy to be ashamed of the diagnosis of MS.  It would be easy to feel that needing help was a weakness.  It would be easy to feel that some of the things my body does separate from me, are shameful things.  But shame only serves to make me feel terrible about myself, while guilt and make me have second thoughts about my behaviors and the  way I am managing things.
So if you feel guilty about something that really you have nothing to do with, recognize that you need to feel in control and find places where you do have control.  Control hjelps you feel you can still be in charge of your life!
On a lighter note, I wore my Rocker shoes all day yesterday!  I wanted to find a place where needed to walk a little bit longer in order to test them out.  So I went to the thrift store, and got two really nice sweaters and didn't feel all worn out afterwards!  Next time I am trying the mall!