feelings

No, this isn't a blog about a dumb 80s song!
I promise this is my final blog about the grieving process.  My house is finally painted it looks great but it's still not really put together.  I don't do well when the things around me are so topsy-turvy.  Dealing with change  and chaos  is part of the grieving process.  It's why you actually have a lot of different feelings during that time.
Feelings are what happen after you're done being in denial.  Once again, the feelings during the grieving process come and go.  They often don't come just one time and go away.  They come again, sometimes together, sometimes separately, and sometimes at odd times when you least expect them.
Feelings you might have during grieving process are anger, fear, excitement, depression, and of course, I've already talked about the guilt.  There are no right or wrong feelings and no right or wrong way to deal with them.  They all have a purpose.
Anger happens when we realized that we are forced to do things differently  due to whatever change has occurred.  We'd like to make her own decisions about what to change, not be forced into it!  Anger's purpose is to energize us.  It makes us want to do something.  It is no accident that the acronym for mothers against drunk driving is MADD.  Candy Lightner founded mothers against drunk driving after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver.  She used anger she felt to do something rather than feel powerless.
So use anger you feel to become energized to do something to manage the change.
You feel the fear for the same reason as anger.  It comes when you realize that things are going to change and you must change, also.  Fear and panic are energizing as well.  Panic attacks are no fun, so they force you into making the internal changes you need to make in in order to see how you must be different.  Anger is more about recognizing and managing external changes.  Fear is about internal changes.
Believe it or not, this can also be exciting.  Sometimes people feel guilty for recognizing that they are excited about the changes that will occur, but remember that all feelings are just energy passing through us.  It's what we do with the energy that we can actually make choices about.
Depression is the real work of grief.  Sometimes we just need to let ourselves feel sad.
My journey through life with multiple sclerosis has given the opportunity to feel all of those feelings!
I was working with this kid yesterday.  He is very interesting because he doesn't want to feel depressed, but he doesn't want anyone to tell him something about himself is something to change.  He wants people to accept him exactly as he is.  Even though he hates it, he sees his Depression as part of himself.  In an odd way, I see having MS as part of who I am now.  I would give it up in a minute, but after 20 years, it would be a change and I would probably go through the grieving process about letting go.
The trick is making something part of you without getting stuck in one of the feelings.  That kid has gotten stuck in feeling bad about himself and the world and now sees it as part of who he is.  You can get stuck in anger and become bitter or get stuck in the fear and become a recluse or get stuck in the Depression or the guilt and become just a regular Downer Debbie!
One thing about grief, is that it doesn't last forever.  I think I am done with the grieving process. I just remember not having MS with a mild sadness and wistfulness.  I think I am now walking down a different street and can usually avoid the holes! 
Now that the painting is finished, we are getting new carpeting.  Believe it or not, as much as I want new carpeting, I have a little wistful sadness about it.  This was the carpeting  we got when Eli was first born and we paid for it with a gift from my grandfather.  It's bittersweet to watch your child grow up and move away and my grandfather has been dead for many years and I still miss him.  So saying goodbye to carpeting, as saying goodbye to the past.
That's a little maudlin, I know.  I usually just think of getting rid of the carpeting is getting rid of whatever has been smeared on it by the dog dragging his butt on it!