Have you ever been fired from a job?
I actually have been fired three times and that doesn't count being laid off from my last job!
The first time I was fired was when I was in graduate school. I was working at a group home for developmentally delayed adults as basically a house parent. The agency was fairly new and had some administrative issues, to put it gracefully. When I first started, there was a very good house manager who tried really hard to stay on top of things. She would make sure that the home was well maintained that she had good communication with the line staff. I don't know why she quit, but when she did, things sort of went downhill. We went through a couple of relatively decent House managers in the short time that I worked there. The fact that they didn't stay was probably a pretty good clue about what was going on with the higher administration. The last guy they hired while I worked there (because he was the one who fired me), tried to take charge without really knowing the residents. We had an older man whose hygiene was n ot his main priority. Some of the residents were clearly severely delayed. But some of them were higher functioning. The gentleman in question was one of the higher functioning residents. He could even read a little bit at very lower-level. The new house manager told me that I was to make the man take a bath, physically, scrubbing him myself if I needed to. I tried to reason with him and explain to him why having a young woman physically give a bath to an older man may not be the best idea. He said "if you refuse to bathe him, you are being insubordinate and you are fired.". I refused to bathe the man and that was it. My first firing experience.
My second firing experience was much more traumatic. It was my third full-time job after graduate school. My first job at the Center for Children's Services in Danville was a wonderful experience. I loved the people there, my supervisor, and my clients. But I left to move to Chicago to get married. My first job in Chicago was at the Jewish Children's Bureau. I loved my supervisor and the people I worked with. I loved my clients, too. But I hated the casework that I was doing. So it got another job at therapeutic day school called Learning House.
The Learning House was the privately owned for-profit day school for troubled adolescents. At first glance it seemed lovely place to work. The kids were great, and I liked the teachers. My supervisor seemed clinically astute so I thought I could learn something from him. But there were troubles that began soon after beginning there. The owners/managers of the school had some real issues!
Codependence is a fairly well known topic. Most people think of codependence as assisting an alcoholic in remaining an alcoholic without meaning to. But codependence is actually a way of interacting with someone to keep them from or acting in certain ways. Everyone at that school had a codependent relationship with the owner, Mark. We all tiptoed around him to keep him from exploding or being angry about some slight. He would yell at the staff for something that was done unintentionally. When there was an issue, a simple directive stated in a polite way would have sufficed. But Mark's response was to yell and call people names.
The firing didn't happen all at once as it did in the first circumstance. I was unhappy there and felt that no matter what, I could not make Mark happy. My supervisor had arranged for us to have an intern from the University of Chicago. She was in the social work program and since my supervisor was not a licensed clinical social worker, I had to supervisor. She was wonderful. Very smart and capable. But it was evident to her that this was a somewhat toxic environment. Much of supervision with her was spent discussing how to navigate the politics and keep Mark happy. During that time, I actually got a new job. My dad knew how unhappy I was. He had me call someone he knew at Lifelink Corporation. They were looking for licensed clinicians for a new program in foster care. So I went to the interviews and I was hired! Hooray! Unfortunately, this meant that I would be leaving my poor intern fend for herself and without a social worker to supervise her. When I told her I was leaving, she said she didn't want to stay there without me. She spoke with her advisor at school and told him about the situation. She requested to change internships. When I told my supervisor that I was leaving, I also told him that the intern would be leaving as well.
I should've seen it coming. Mark was furious that I had told her that I was leaving before I told him. He was also furious that she was leaving and blamed it on me. He basically threatens to take my license saying that this was unethical. I'm pretty sure it's not. He made life very uncomfortable for me for the next week or so. He finally told me I was fired. This really was an incident where I could've said "you can't fire me! I quit!" He didn't give me any opportunity to say goodbye to any of my clients, and in fact canceled an appointment I had without telling me. I sat around and waited for the client, and when I called her, she said she was confused because market already canceled the appointment for me. Awkward!
I later found out that he told the kids that they could write the letters to say goodbye and he would send them. I never received any letters. He told them I had to be fired because of unethical behavior. I really wish I could sue his ass for defamation of character!
A couple of months later, my husband and I bought a new car. I had to verify my work experience for the last year. I had just started at LifeLink so not enough time had passed. I gave them the number of the learning house and they called Mark. A car salesman told me that Mark had told him not to sell me a car and that I was a bad risk. This is highly illegal. Nevertheless, we did get the car. Despite knowing that I had actually quit, the experience of being "fired" was uncomfortable for a very long time.
The last time, and hopefully the final time, that I was fired was recently from a side gig I had. I was doing professional presentations for Aetna. They would send me to various locations and I were present on a variety of topics including cultural sensitivity, stress management, positive communication, things like that. They would send me the materials including handouts and the PowerPoint and I would just present. I would try to add some material if it was appropriate. The last couple of times I was not well received. People didn't like that I went off script and they didn't like that I talked about my own experiences sometimes. So the company called and told me that I got some bad reviews. They gave me one final gig after that. I'm pretty sure the company that I was presenting to may have been told that I was being tested out. I was met with stony silence. No one participated in any discussion or activities. They didn't laugh at any jokes or ask any questions. Try to have a conversation sometime with someone who is paying any attention to you. It is a lesson in futility!
Now I am in business for myself and it is unlikely that I will fire myself. Clients fire you all the time, and I am able to keep this from feeling personal in most cases.
It is funny how your idea of what is really awful morphs when you are fighting a chronic illness. Being fired from the Learning House seemed to be shameful and embarrassing event. But when I look at it now, not only was it pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but it's laughable that I could see that as any kind of a challenge.
Trying to put my pants on in the morning...That's a challengw!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Relationships
My very depressed client asked me why relationships were important
Before I could answer he told me that I probably would say something about passing the time until we die. I told you he was very depressed! But my answer had nothing to do with what he thought. I had to contemplate my answer for a little while before I told him.
He talked before about intersubjectivity and how important it is see ourselves as others see us in order le to get a clear view of who we actually are. So that was part of my answer. But the other part was that in order to know how connected we are one another we must have relationships which continued through time and space. He told me that he felt that relationships just came and went and therefore they were purposeless to him. He said that he saw all of his friends from high school go off into the world. Some he had never seen again. Some he saw again, but they felt changed, like they weren't even the same person. The truth of the matter is that none of us are the same people year after year. Our experiences, thoughts and feelings, heck, our even underwear change day to day. ( I guess I don't really change just because of my underwear....) But my friendships change and come and go. Sometimes I choose to end relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they end because of circumstances or logistics. And sometimes they just fade away. But no matter what the friendships always matter in making me who I am.
I told my clients that friendships are like layers in making us who we are. No matter who I am still in contact with, the fact that we interacted and talked and loved one another or hated one another or had only a shared experience, creates a layer in my heart and soul that never changes. I think we sort of download ourselves into each other's psyches.
In order to know that we are connected to the universe, to one another, to the tacos and the skyscrapers and the lawnmower... we need to be with other beings.
By sharing our hearts and minds, either one-on-one or in a community, we become larger than ourselves. We are able to stand with solidarity with other people have empathy for their experiences, good or bad. This is one of the things I like best about being a therapist.
That young man, so depressed and lost and lonely, comes every week like clockwork. I think the relationship in therapy is a bright spot for him in a world that looks so bleak. I think I am the only person listening in an honest effort to really feel what it's like to be in his body and his world. I feel very privileged that he lets me try.
Whenever we think we are alone, whether we believe in God are power in the universe beyond ourselves, you're never alone because everyone who's ever touched our lives remains in our hearts and our souls. The more people we connect with, the more we grow. Maybe that is the answer to gun violence. People who feel connected to the world than to others could never choose to take someone else's life for any purpose. The answer really isn't making new laws. It's strengthening the connections between each other. It's recognizing that we are the same.
He talked before about intersubjectivity and how important it is see ourselves as others see us in order le to get a clear view of who we actually are. So that was part of my answer. But the other part was that in order to know how connected we are one another we must have relationships which continued through time and space. He told me that he felt that relationships just came and went and therefore they were purposeless to him. He said that he saw all of his friends from high school go off into the world. Some he had never seen again. Some he saw again, but they felt changed, like they weren't even the same person. The truth of the matter is that none of us are the same people year after year. Our experiences, thoughts and feelings, heck, our even underwear change day to day. ( I guess I don't really change just because of my underwear....) But my friendships change and come and go. Sometimes I choose to end relationships for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they end because of circumstances or logistics. And sometimes they just fade away. But no matter what the friendships always matter in making me who I am.
I told my clients that friendships are like layers in making us who we are. No matter who I am still in contact with, the fact that we interacted and talked and loved one another or hated one another or had only a shared experience, creates a layer in my heart and soul that never changes. I think we sort of download ourselves into each other's psyches.
In order to know that we are connected to the universe, to one another, to the tacos and the skyscrapers and the lawnmower... we need to be with other beings.
By sharing our hearts and minds, either one-on-one or in a community, we become larger than ourselves. We are able to stand with solidarity with other people have empathy for their experiences, good or bad. This is one of the things I like best about being a therapist.
That young man, so depressed and lost and lonely, comes every week like clockwork. I think the relationship in therapy is a bright spot for him in a world that looks so bleak. I think I am the only person listening in an honest effort to really feel what it's like to be in his body and his world. I feel very privileged that he lets me try.
Whenever we think we are alone, whether we believe in God are power in the universe beyond ourselves, you're never alone because everyone who's ever touched our lives remains in our hearts and our souls. The more people we connect with, the more we grow. Maybe that is the answer to gun violence. People who feel connected to the world than to others could never choose to take someone else's life for any purpose. The answer really isn't making new laws. It's strengthening the connections between each other. It's recognizing that we are the same.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
feelings
No, this isn't a blog about a dumb 80s song!
I promise this is my final blog about the grieving process. My house is finally painted it looks great but it's still not really put together. I don't do well when the things around me are so topsy-turvy. Dealing with change and chaos is part of the grieving process. It's why you actually have a lot of different feelings during that time.
Feelings are what happen after you're done being in denial. Once again, the feelings during the grieving process come and go. They often don't come just one time and go away. They come again, sometimes together, sometimes separately, and sometimes at odd times when you least expect them.
Feelings you might have during grieving process are anger, fear, excitement, depression, and of course, I've already talked about the guilt. There are no right or wrong feelings and no right or wrong way to deal with them. They all have a purpose.
Anger happens when we realized that we are forced to do things differently due to whatever change has occurred. We'd like to make her own decisions about what to change, not be forced into it! Anger's purpose is to energize us. It makes us want to do something. It is no accident that the acronym for mothers against drunk driving is MADD. Candy Lightner founded mothers against drunk driving after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She used anger she felt to do something rather than feel powerless.
So use anger you feel to become energized to do something to manage the change.
You feel the fear for the same reason as anger. It comes when you realize that things are going to change and you must change, also. Fear and panic are energizing as well. Panic attacks are no fun, so they force you into making the internal changes you need to make in in order to see how you must be different. Anger is more about recognizing and managing external changes. Fear is about internal changes.
Believe it or not, this can also be exciting. Sometimes people feel guilty for recognizing that they are excited about the changes that will occur, but remember that all feelings are just energy passing through us. It's what we do with the energy that we can actually make choices about.
Depression is the real work of grief. Sometimes we just need to let ourselves feel sad.
My journey through life with multiple sclerosis has given the opportunity to feel all of those feelings!
I was working with this kid yesterday. He is very interesting because he doesn't want to feel depressed, but he doesn't want anyone to tell him something about himself is something to change. He wants people to accept him exactly as he is. Even though he hates it, he sees his Depression as part of himself. In an odd way, I see having MS as part of who I am now. I would give it up in a minute, but after 20 years, it would be a change and I would probably go through the grieving process about letting go.
The trick is making something part of you without getting stuck in one of the feelings. That kid has gotten stuck in feeling bad about himself and the world and now sees it as part of who he is. You can get stuck in anger and become bitter or get stuck in the fear and become a recluse or get stuck in the Depression or the guilt and become just a regular Downer Debbie!
One thing about grief, is that it doesn't last forever. I think I am done with the grieving process. I just remember not having MS with a mild sadness and wistfulness. I think I am now walking down a different street and can usually avoid the holes!
Now that the painting is finished, we are getting new carpeting. Believe it or not, as much as I want new carpeting, I have a little wistful sadness about it. This was the carpeting we got when Eli was first born and we paid for it with a gift from my grandfather. It's bittersweet to watch your child grow up and move away and my grandfather has been dead for many years and I still miss him. So saying goodbye to carpeting, as saying goodbye to the past.
That's a little maudlin, I know. I usually just think of getting rid of the carpeting is getting rid of whatever has been smeared on it by the dog dragging his butt on it!
I promise this is my final blog about the grieving process. My house is finally painted it looks great but it's still not really put together. I don't do well when the things around me are so topsy-turvy. Dealing with change and chaos is part of the grieving process. It's why you actually have a lot of different feelings during that time.
Feelings are what happen after you're done being in denial. Once again, the feelings during the grieving process come and go. They often don't come just one time and go away. They come again, sometimes together, sometimes separately, and sometimes at odd times when you least expect them.
Feelings you might have during grieving process are anger, fear, excitement, depression, and of course, I've already talked about the guilt. There are no right or wrong feelings and no right or wrong way to deal with them. They all have a purpose.
Anger happens when we realized that we are forced to do things differently due to whatever change has occurred. We'd like to make her own decisions about what to change, not be forced into it! Anger's purpose is to energize us. It makes us want to do something. It is no accident that the acronym for mothers against drunk driving is MADD. Candy Lightner founded mothers against drunk driving after her daughter was killed by a drunk driver. She used anger she felt to do something rather than feel powerless.
So use anger you feel to become energized to do something to manage the change.
You feel the fear for the same reason as anger. It comes when you realize that things are going to change and you must change, also. Fear and panic are energizing as well. Panic attacks are no fun, so they force you into making the internal changes you need to make in in order to see how you must be different. Anger is more about recognizing and managing external changes. Fear is about internal changes.
Believe it or not, this can also be exciting. Sometimes people feel guilty for recognizing that they are excited about the changes that will occur, but remember that all feelings are just energy passing through us. It's what we do with the energy that we can actually make choices about.
Depression is the real work of grief. Sometimes we just need to let ourselves feel sad.
My journey through life with multiple sclerosis has given the opportunity to feel all of those feelings!
I was working with this kid yesterday. He is very interesting because he doesn't want to feel depressed, but he doesn't want anyone to tell him something about himself is something to change. He wants people to accept him exactly as he is. Even though he hates it, he sees his Depression as part of himself. In an odd way, I see having MS as part of who I am now. I would give it up in a minute, but after 20 years, it would be a change and I would probably go through the grieving process about letting go.
The trick is making something part of you without getting stuck in one of the feelings. That kid has gotten stuck in feeling bad about himself and the world and now sees it as part of who he is. You can get stuck in anger and become bitter or get stuck in the fear and become a recluse or get stuck in the Depression or the guilt and become just a regular Downer Debbie!
One thing about grief, is that it doesn't last forever. I think I am done with the grieving process. I just remember not having MS with a mild sadness and wistfulness. I think I am now walking down a different street and can usually avoid the holes!
Now that the painting is finished, we are getting new carpeting. Believe it or not, as much as I want new carpeting, I have a little wistful sadness about it. This was the carpeting we got when Eli was first born and we paid for it with a gift from my grandfather. It's bittersweet to watch your child grow up and move away and my grandfather has been dead for many years and I still miss him. So saying goodbye to carpeting, as saying goodbye to the past.
That's a little maudlin, I know. I usually just think of getting rid of the carpeting is getting rid of whatever has been smeared on it by the dog dragging his butt on it!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Grief 2
So did you think you are done with the grieving process?
I'm just getting started.
Kubler Ross said that the grieving process consisted of five stage: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As I said yesterday, this model gives the false impression that grief is a neat package of steps, when it is really a messy roadmap. Since Kubler Ross there have been other proposed ideas about the stages of grief and it is becoming a little closer to what actually happens. There is one thing consistent about grief and that is that you always go back into denial between the working parts of the stages.
The stages each have a purpose as well. Denial is so that you won't go crazy and can continue to function while you do the work of grief. The other stages are more fluid, too, and they each have their own purpose. I want to talk about guilt today because it seems so maligned and misunderstood.
Even if you have no reason to feel guilty, guilt can give you a sense of control over the situation.
Now I don't know about you, but I like to think that I have some control over my destiny. A diagnosis of multiple sclerosis takes a lot of the control out of my hands. I know that there is nothing that I could've done to foresee or stop the diagnosis from happening. There is very little known about where MS originates. Scientists keep going back to the idea that it is a virus gone crazy. So perhaps if I would've been more aware of viruses since I was a small child, I could've kept myself from getting sick... not very likely. But I have had my own guilt about not taking care of myself or not recognizing the symptoms soon enough, or just not getting onto the medications soon enough. Denial is useful in helping you get through the day, but it's not useful when it keeps you from getting the treatment that you need! I could've gone to one of disease modifying drugs about a year earlier, but I just didn't feel like I needed it, and I kept hoping that maybe I just had benign MS and that I would still be able to have a nice normal life. So I get to have some guilt about waiting so long to go on the medication, because really, the control that I have, is over how I manage my MS. And control is a good thing.
People think that guilt is a bad thing. Guilt is actually okay. You should feel guilty about some things! If you do something wrong you should feel little guilty. I was at Michael's one day and I was buying some little wooden beads for a project. When I got to the checkout I couldn't find the little bag of beads anywhere! I figured I must've dropped them somewhere in a store and it wasn't worth going back for a $.99 package of beads. When I got to my car and looked for my keys in my purse, lo and behold, there was a little package of beads! I stole them! So I should've just take them back into the store, but I didn't. So I have a wee bit of guilt about that. Guilt comes with bad behavior. Do I think that I am a bad person because I stole a $.99 package of beads on accident? No, but it wasn't very nice behavior. If I thought I was bad person, that wouldn't be guilt, it would be shame. Shame is a bad feeling about yourself and guilt is a bad feeling about your behavior. Your behavior you can change because it's just a choice. Misplaced guilt can become shame and shame is never useful.
It would be easy to be ashamed of the diagnosis of MS. It would be easy to feel that needing help was a weakness. It would be easy to feel that some of the things my body does separate from me, are shameful things. But shame only serves to make me feel terrible about myself, while guilt and make me have second thoughts about my behaviors and the way I am managing things.
So if you feel guilty about something that really you have nothing to do with, recognize that you need to feel in control and find places where you do have control. Control hjelps you feel you can still be in charge of your life!
On a lighter note, I wore my Rocker shoes all day yesterday! I wanted to find a place where needed to walk a little bit longer in order to test them out. So I went to the thrift store, and got two really nice sweaters and didn't feel all worn out afterwards! Next time I am trying the mall!
Kubler Ross said that the grieving process consisted of five stage: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. As I said yesterday, this model gives the false impression that grief is a neat package of steps, when it is really a messy roadmap. Since Kubler Ross there have been other proposed ideas about the stages of grief and it is becoming a little closer to what actually happens. There is one thing consistent about grief and that is that you always go back into denial between the working parts of the stages.
The stages each have a purpose as well. Denial is so that you won't go crazy and can continue to function while you do the work of grief. The other stages are more fluid, too, and they each have their own purpose. I want to talk about guilt today because it seems so maligned and misunderstood.
Even if you have no reason to feel guilty, guilt can give you a sense of control over the situation.
Now I don't know about you, but I like to think that I have some control over my destiny. A diagnosis of multiple sclerosis takes a lot of the control out of my hands. I know that there is nothing that I could've done to foresee or stop the diagnosis from happening. There is very little known about where MS originates. Scientists keep going back to the idea that it is a virus gone crazy. So perhaps if I would've been more aware of viruses since I was a small child, I could've kept myself from getting sick... not very likely. But I have had my own guilt about not taking care of myself or not recognizing the symptoms soon enough, or just not getting onto the medications soon enough. Denial is useful in helping you get through the day, but it's not useful when it keeps you from getting the treatment that you need! I could've gone to one of disease modifying drugs about a year earlier, but I just didn't feel like I needed it, and I kept hoping that maybe I just had benign MS and that I would still be able to have a nice normal life. So I get to have some guilt about waiting so long to go on the medication, because really, the control that I have, is over how I manage my MS. And control is a good thing.
People think that guilt is a bad thing. Guilt is actually okay. You should feel guilty about some things! If you do something wrong you should feel little guilty. I was at Michael's one day and I was buying some little wooden beads for a project. When I got to the checkout I couldn't find the little bag of beads anywhere! I figured I must've dropped them somewhere in a store and it wasn't worth going back for a $.99 package of beads. When I got to my car and looked for my keys in my purse, lo and behold, there was a little package of beads! I stole them! So I should've just take them back into the store, but I didn't. So I have a wee bit of guilt about that. Guilt comes with bad behavior. Do I think that I am a bad person because I stole a $.99 package of beads on accident? No, but it wasn't very nice behavior. If I thought I was bad person, that wouldn't be guilt, it would be shame. Shame is a bad feeling about yourself and guilt is a bad feeling about your behavior. Your behavior you can change because it's just a choice. Misplaced guilt can become shame and shame is never useful.
It would be easy to be ashamed of the diagnosis of MS. It would be easy to feel that needing help was a weakness. It would be easy to feel that some of the things my body does separate from me, are shameful things. But shame only serves to make me feel terrible about myself, while guilt and make me have second thoughts about my behaviors and the way I am managing things.
So if you feel guilty about something that really you have nothing to do with, recognize that you need to feel in control and find places where you do have control. Control hjelps you feel you can still be in charge of your life!
On a lighter note, I wore my Rocker shoes all day yesterday! I wanted to find a place where needed to walk a little bit longer in order to test them out. So I went to the thrift store, and got two really nice sweaters and didn't feel all worn out afterwards! Next time I am trying the mall!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
The grieving process
Hello again
My life as an upside down as my house is being painted, so I'm sort of out of my regular routine. I will try to get back to this blog more frequently in the future.
One of my clients this is really great kid I have been seeing since she was a senior in high school. She got a full scholarship to a college out of state, but she comes to see me when she is back in town. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder way back in high school. She just now, three years later, has begun to accept the diagnosis.
Multiple sclerosis and bipolar disorder have little in common, but they both share the label of chronic illness. I can only imagine what it is like a go through life with a mental illness that is so misunderstood and has so much stigma attached. But I can well understand the feelings involved in knowing that you are stuck with this illness forever.
Coming to terms with the finality of any situation, be it the loss of a loved one, a house fire, or accepting a diagnosis of any sort, requires a massive change in your worldview. It requires that you go through the grieving process.
The grieving process is also fairly misunderstood. Years ago Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who was a gentle and wonderful woman and a genious in her own right, identified and outlined a process of grieving based on what she saw in her work in a hospice. I don't think she ever meant this to be true, but it has come to be seen as almost a recipe for grief. It's like, "If I'd just go through the steps, I will be okay". But the grieving process is much more of a map toward acceptance and it is a recipe.
My client initially did not accept her diagnosis and was determined to not be on medication. I remember several times where I decided that my MS was just a one time thing, and that I would be just fine without going on long-term medication. This is denial...which ain't just a river in Egypt... Denial is always the first step in the grieving process. Denial serves a useful purpose of keeping us from having to be incapacitated by the other steps in the grieving process. It gives us time to shore up our resources and learn how to live in this new world.
Denial is very complicated. There is denial of the fact: it's just not true at all. There is denial of permanency: it may be true, but it won't stay true. There is denial of impact: it is true, it will stay true, but it won't change my life in any way. And finally denial of emotional impact: it's true, it's going to stay true, my life will significantly change, but I really don't care. I live quite nicely in the third and fourth levels most of the time. But when I pop out of them, that's when I'm doing the real work of grief. But boy oh boy, am I glad that denial is there.
My client came out of denial for a bit. She knows she has bipolar disorder. She knows she has it for the rest of her life. She knows that she absolutely will have to take medication and be aware of how she is acting in feeling, and now she is ready to go through the grieving process in little bits and pieces.
I will talk more about the rest of the process tomorrow.
Right now I just want to be in denial!
Oh yeah, I should tell you about my new shoes. I had never heard them before, but I was reading about the best shoes for someone with MS. There was a a recommendation to try something called rocker sole shoes. So I got a pair and they are sort of amazing! They make you walk with the heel to toe motion. My husband said I look almost normal when I am wearing them! I think all of my shoes will have rocker soles in the future!
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One of my clients this is really great kid I have been seeing since she was a senior in high school. She got a full scholarship to a college out of state, but she comes to see me when she is back in town. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder way back in high school. She just now, three years later, has begun to accept the diagnosis.
Multiple sclerosis and bipolar disorder have little in common, but they both share the label of chronic illness. I can only imagine what it is like a go through life with a mental illness that is so misunderstood and has so much stigma attached. But I can well understand the feelings involved in knowing that you are stuck with this illness forever.
Coming to terms with the finality of any situation, be it the loss of a loved one, a house fire, or accepting a diagnosis of any sort, requires a massive change in your worldview. It requires that you go through the grieving process.
The grieving process is also fairly misunderstood. Years ago Elisabeth Kubler Ross, who was a gentle and wonderful woman and a genious in her own right, identified and outlined a process of grieving based on what she saw in her work in a hospice. I don't think she ever meant this to be true, but it has come to be seen as almost a recipe for grief. It's like, "If I'd just go through the steps, I will be okay". But the grieving process is much more of a map toward acceptance and it is a recipe.
My client initially did not accept her diagnosis and was determined to not be on medication. I remember several times where I decided that my MS was just a one time thing, and that I would be just fine without going on long-term medication. This is denial...which ain't just a river in Egypt... Denial is always the first step in the grieving process. Denial serves a useful purpose of keeping us from having to be incapacitated by the other steps in the grieving process. It gives us time to shore up our resources and learn how to live in this new world.
Denial is very complicated. There is denial of the fact: it's just not true at all. There is denial of permanency: it may be true, but it won't stay true. There is denial of impact: it is true, it will stay true, but it won't change my life in any way. And finally denial of emotional impact: it's true, it's going to stay true, my life will significantly change, but I really don't care. I live quite nicely in the third and fourth levels most of the time. But when I pop out of them, that's when I'm doing the real work of grief. But boy oh boy, am I glad that denial is there.
My client came out of denial for a bit. She knows she has bipolar disorder. She knows she has it for the rest of her life. She knows that she absolutely will have to take medication and be aware of how she is acting in feeling, and now she is ready to go through the grieving process in little bits and pieces.
I will talk more about the rest of the process tomorrow.
Right now I just want to be in denial!
Oh yeah, I should tell you about my new shoes. I had never heard them before, but I was reading about the best shoes for someone with MS. There was a a recommendation to try something called rocker sole shoes. So I got a pair and they are sort of amazing! They make you walk with the heel to toe motion. My husband said I look almost normal when I am wearing them! I think all of my shoes will have rocker soles in the future!
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Friday, January 4, 2013
The MS experience
Let me tell you what it's like to be in this body
I think when people see someone with a cane they figure that the cane is just there to serve as a third leg and extra support. Sometimes this is true for me if I hadn't been walking for long distances (for me a long distance is about a quarter of the city block). After that, my legs start to not want to respond to me. I have to use different muscles to make my legs work. There have been times when I have not been sure that I will be able to make it to my destination and by destination I mean my car or a chair I'm aiming toward.... in order to get into my car, I have to lift my leg with my hip muscle because my quads don't want to lift my leg up that far. Quadriceps are supposed to be the strongest muscle in your body. If you lift your leg up and asked someone to push down, you should be able to resist and keep your legs stable. I can't do that. And it's not because my muscles are weak. It's because my brain doesn't send a signal to my muscles.
In a totally rested state, my body still doesn't feel normal. My fingers always feel like they are asleep or that they've had a shot of Novocain. My legs feel tingly, as if they are on the verge of going to sleep. I am very prone to restless legs syndrome, in which case my legs feel like they have ants crawling up and down on the inside and they are forcing me to kick. I get dizzy easily, I can't turn myself over in the bed, and I don't hear very well anymore. If I was 85, is might be sort of normal. But I'm not!
I recently received three questionnaires regarding my limitations and physical changes I have due to my MS. Lots of the questions are about my mental capacity. For instance, can I count change or manage money, do I need to be reminded to do certain tasks, or do I have difficulty getting along with people. I am wondering if, because I have mostly have all of my faculties, I will be turned on for disability. Stephen Hawking can function cognitively, but no one would deny that he is disabled!
This whole process of trying to get disability is so fraught with difficulties, both because of the tedious process and because of the emotional turmoil. I've been working since I was 18. I worked full time all the way through grad school and haven't worked less than full time since I was laid off from The Bridge, but I am pretty sure, but my body is not able to take me through a full-time day anymore. Anyone extra thing added to my day, going to the post office, grocery shopping or just shopping, means that I will have to take time to sit and recuperate for at least a half hour to 40 minutes. And I don't recover completely. Each time I do something like that, my energy level to do anything else is depleted.
I am not trying to tell you how terrible it is. I'm just trying to give people a picture of what it's like to be in a body that doesn't work the way it's supposed to. Handicaps are so much more complicated than they appear in the outside. And multiple sclerosis is so tricky and sneaky because you never know what it's going to do to you.
So do I want to be a disability? No , I would much rather be able to continue to work full time. Do I want a handicapped parking? No, I would much rather be able to walk across the parking lot. But do I think disability help me be able to not have to stress about whether or not making enough money? Yes. Do I think that not being stress will help me manage my MS more effectively? Yes.
I don't want to stop being a therapist. I just want to be able to choose not to kill myself trying to be one!
I think when people see someone with a cane they figure that the cane is just there to serve as a third leg and extra support. Sometimes this is true for me if I hadn't been walking for long distances (for me a long distance is about a quarter of the city block). After that, my legs start to not want to respond to me. I have to use different muscles to make my legs work. There have been times when I have not been sure that I will be able to make it to my destination and by destination I mean my car or a chair I'm aiming toward.... in order to get into my car, I have to lift my leg with my hip muscle because my quads don't want to lift my leg up that far. Quadriceps are supposed to be the strongest muscle in your body. If you lift your leg up and asked someone to push down, you should be able to resist and keep your legs stable. I can't do that. And it's not because my muscles are weak. It's because my brain doesn't send a signal to my muscles.
In a totally rested state, my body still doesn't feel normal. My fingers always feel like they are asleep or that they've had a shot of Novocain. My legs feel tingly, as if they are on the verge of going to sleep. I am very prone to restless legs syndrome, in which case my legs feel like they have ants crawling up and down on the inside and they are forcing me to kick. I get dizzy easily, I can't turn myself over in the bed, and I don't hear very well anymore. If I was 85, is might be sort of normal. But I'm not!
I recently received three questionnaires regarding my limitations and physical changes I have due to my MS. Lots of the questions are about my mental capacity. For instance, can I count change or manage money, do I need to be reminded to do certain tasks, or do I have difficulty getting along with people. I am wondering if, because I have mostly have all of my faculties, I will be turned on for disability. Stephen Hawking can function cognitively, but no one would deny that he is disabled!
This whole process of trying to get disability is so fraught with difficulties, both because of the tedious process and because of the emotional turmoil. I've been working since I was 18. I worked full time all the way through grad school and haven't worked less than full time since I was laid off from The Bridge, but I am pretty sure, but my body is not able to take me through a full-time day anymore. Anyone extra thing added to my day, going to the post office, grocery shopping or just shopping, means that I will have to take time to sit and recuperate for at least a half hour to 40 minutes. And I don't recover completely. Each time I do something like that, my energy level to do anything else is depleted.
I am not trying to tell you how terrible it is. I'm just trying to give people a picture of what it's like to be in a body that doesn't work the way it's supposed to. Handicaps are so much more complicated than they appear in the outside. And multiple sclerosis is so tricky and sneaky because you never know what it's going to do to you.
So do I want to be a disability? No , I would much rather be able to continue to work full time. Do I want a handicapped parking? No, I would much rather be able to walk across the parking lot. But do I think disability help me be able to not have to stress about whether or not making enough money? Yes. Do I think that not being stress will help me manage my MS more effectively? Yes.
I don't want to stop being a therapist. I just want to be able to choose not to kill myself trying to be one!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
clearing out
Yesterday was a serious clearing out day
We are having our entire house painted. It hasn't been done since we moved in 18 years ago so it is way overdue. And we are getting new carpeting which is the same vintage as the paint. I'm sure that the dog has dragged his ass over most of it! Told my husband that we should have one wall painted a different color, you know, an accent wall. He, being a curmudgeon and all, sneered and told me that was a strange idea. I let it go, but when the painter came to give us an estimate, he said that we should have at least one wall that is an accent wall. What do you know... I accepted his apology -- oh wait! There was no apology!
So before the painting starts, we have to clean out all the rooms and moved the furniture into the middle of the room. You know how, when you move, you have to go through all your stuff? That's what this process has been like. I'm sort of amazed at what I have chosen to keep all of these years. Some of it, I knew was there, and I have kept for sentimental reasons. But when I went through a bag of cards we received when Eli was born, I was at a loss to know who some of those people were! It's always a surprise to me how frequently our associations with others can change. But I also found some things that \brought tears to my eyes. There are cards from my grandparents who have died and certificates of some bonds that people had bought for Eli. I had forgotten about those! The bonds have all matured and are worth face value, and have been gathering interest (0.59%). I think we now have a whopping total of an extra of $1.70 beyond face value!
Other things I got rid of are a grim reminder of things I cannot do any more. High heels? Those all had to go. Fancy dresses? I don't have anywhere to wear those! Plus I don't have any high heels to go with them! You know what? I kept my old tap shoes, though. Maybe I'll paint them and use them as art pieces...
Yesterday I talked about clearing out negative thought. One of the thoughts that keeps me from getting rid of things is, "you never know when you might need that!" or, "that brings up memories. If I get rid of it, I'm getting rid of the memories." It's hard to think there are some things that I will never need again. And it is sad, to think that there are people who will no longer be in my life.
But I've been thinking that those ideas are negative thoughts in themselves. How can I know that it's true that there are things that I will never do again? How do I know that I will never be able to wear high heels again? Why am I so distrusting of my memories than they need an item in order to keep those memories around? You know I always could buy a new pair of high heels and I could take a picture of those mementos. I am not a hoarder, but I am a collector and they always have to remind myself of the difference between a collectible and a dust collector.
So, as many of my memories seem to be sitting in a garbage can or a donation bin, I have to remember that everything is temporary and that my experiences do not reside in my stuff.
So before the painting starts, we have to clean out all the rooms and moved the furniture into the middle of the room. You know how, when you move, you have to go through all your stuff? That's what this process has been like. I'm sort of amazed at what I have chosen to keep all of these years. Some of it, I knew was there, and I have kept for sentimental reasons. But when I went through a bag of cards we received when Eli was born, I was at a loss to know who some of those people were! It's always a surprise to me how frequently our associations with others can change. But I also found some things that \brought tears to my eyes. There are cards from my grandparents who have died and certificates of some bonds that people had bought for Eli. I had forgotten about those! The bonds have all matured and are worth face value, and have been gathering interest (0.59%). I think we now have a whopping total of an extra of $1.70 beyond face value!
Other things I got rid of are a grim reminder of things I cannot do any more. High heels? Those all had to go. Fancy dresses? I don't have anywhere to wear those! Plus I don't have any high heels to go with them! You know what? I kept my old tap shoes, though. Maybe I'll paint them and use them as art pieces...
Yesterday I talked about clearing out negative thought. One of the thoughts that keeps me from getting rid of things is, "you never know when you might need that!" or, "that brings up memories. If I get rid of it, I'm getting rid of the memories." It's hard to think there are some things that I will never need again. And it is sad, to think that there are people who will no longer be in my life.
But I've been thinking that those ideas are negative thoughts in themselves. How can I know that it's true that there are things that I will never do again? How do I know that I will never be able to wear high heels again? Why am I so distrusting of my memories than they need an item in order to keep those memories around? You know I always could buy a new pair of high heels and I could take a picture of those mementos. I am not a hoarder, but I am a collector and they always have to remind myself of the difference between a collectible and a dust collector.
So, as many of my memories seem to be sitting in a garbage can or a donation bin, I have to remember that everything is temporary and that my experiences do not reside in my stuff.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013
I try in this blog, to provide readers with something thoughtful. But this blog is very much a personal free association about the new year
2013 should be a very interesting year for me
My son graduates from high school and will be heading off to college in the fall. My house is finally getting a much-needed update to the interior, with new carpet and new paint. And most importantly, I think this is the year that I have to decide what I'm actually going to do with the rest of my life.
I have applied for disability and it is obvious to me that it's becoming something that is more and more necessary in my life. The funny thing is that I am less interested in the money than in the insurance. Obamacare is a good first step, but it isn't the universal healthcare every other civilized country has. Yeah yeah, I know this is a political hotbed, but when you have a chronic illness which threatens to not only cripple you, but bankrupt you as well, it's a lot less political and a lot more practical. I actually hung up on a bill collector yesterday. What's a bill collector doing calling on New Year's Eve, anyway?
Last night I had a dream that I was looking out of a window of a tall building at an incredibly blue body of water. There are people in the water watching me as I took picture of it. They turned to look at me and I saw that they were two of my old supervisors. They didn't wave or say anything, just saw me taking a picture. Because my sleep is so disrupted, I have a harder time recounting my dreams than I did in the past, so when I do remember dreams, they seem pretty significant to me. I'm not sure what it means yet, but something about just observing and very blue water and the presence of two of my old mentors that seems to be a message for me.
This year is a six year for me in numerology years, if you buy into that sort of thing. The numerology year six is a cleaning out year. It's a year for getting rid of extraneous physical things, relationships which no longer work, or thought processes which hold you back from moving forward.
Wayne Dyer says everyone has automatic negative thoughts or ANTs. So this is my year for killing ants.
Ants are so automatic that we often don't even recognize them. So the first step is recognizing them. That's the first of my New Year's resolution. Recognizing my ANTs...
Here in brief, is psychotherapy in four acts. Act one: you're walking down the street and fall into a hole. Act two: You walk down the street , see the hole, but fall into it anyway. Act three: You walk down the street, see the hole, and walk around it. Act four: You walk down a different street.
Recognizing your ANTs is the same as realizing that you're falling into the hole. So this is the year for recognizing what's holding me back from whatever future I'm supposed to go into.
What are your ANTs? Or if you prefer, what hole are you going to quit falling into?
2013 should be a very interesting year for me
My son graduates from high school and will be heading off to college in the fall. My house is finally getting a much-needed update to the interior, with new carpet and new paint. And most importantly, I think this is the year that I have to decide what I'm actually going to do with the rest of my life.
I have applied for disability and it is obvious to me that it's becoming something that is more and more necessary in my life. The funny thing is that I am less interested in the money than in the insurance. Obamacare is a good first step, but it isn't the universal healthcare every other civilized country has. Yeah yeah, I know this is a political hotbed, but when you have a chronic illness which threatens to not only cripple you, but bankrupt you as well, it's a lot less political and a lot more practical. I actually hung up on a bill collector yesterday. What's a bill collector doing calling on New Year's Eve, anyway?
Last night I had a dream that I was looking out of a window of a tall building at an incredibly blue body of water. There are people in the water watching me as I took picture of it. They turned to look at me and I saw that they were two of my old supervisors. They didn't wave or say anything, just saw me taking a picture. Because my sleep is so disrupted, I have a harder time recounting my dreams than I did in the past, so when I do remember dreams, they seem pretty significant to me. I'm not sure what it means yet, but something about just observing and very blue water and the presence of two of my old mentors that seems to be a message for me.
This year is a six year for me in numerology years, if you buy into that sort of thing. The numerology year six is a cleaning out year. It's a year for getting rid of extraneous physical things, relationships which no longer work, or thought processes which hold you back from moving forward.
Wayne Dyer says everyone has automatic negative thoughts or ANTs. So this is my year for killing ants.
Ants are so automatic that we often don't even recognize them. So the first step is recognizing them. That's the first of my New Year's resolution. Recognizing my ANTs...
Here in brief, is psychotherapy in four acts. Act one: you're walking down the street and fall into a hole. Act two: You walk down the street , see the hole, but fall into it anyway. Act three: You walk down the street, see the hole, and walk around it. Act four: You walk down a different street.
Recognizing your ANTs is the same as realizing that you're falling into the hole. So this is the year for recognizing what's holding me back from whatever future I'm supposed to go into.
What are your ANTs? Or if you prefer, what hole are you going to quit falling into?
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