forgiveness

  I've been thinking about forgiveness recently
Specifically, have a client who is incredibly anxious.  She frequently responds to her anxiety they becoming obnoxious, aggressive and angry.  Her behavior is actually fueled by what we call cognitive distortions or wrong thinking.  After a great deal of patient exploration I almost always find some idea that she has committed some horrible sin and that her parents and God will not forgive her.  Sometimes she just thinks God will not forgive her and that she needs to punish herself by keeping her parents from loving her.  She is angry at herself, but mostly she is terrified that she's going to Hell.
She knows, from frequent experience, that I and her mother will always love her and forgive her any behaviors, but she still wonders about God.  I am mystified by the thoughts that anyone could think God is less capable of forgiveness than a mortal. 
I am also flabbergasted by any  church which proclaims to be Christian, could espouse such hatred in the guise of being the Word of God.  It would be so easy to dismiss this or to make statements of hatred toward the haters.  But what God really wants us to do and what is absolutely necessary to do in order to stop the cycle of hate and disconnection, is to choose a reflex of compassion and forgiveness.
Sometimes, it is much easier for me, and really I believe her most people, to forgive others than to have that same reflex of compassion and forgiveness for our own behaviors and shortcomings.  MS requires a constant state of compassion toward my body and its inabilities.  It requires a constant state of humility.  It requires a constant state of accepting kindness of others.
I wish for all who are unable to recognize beauty of the world and the beauty of others, the ability to recognize their own inner turmoil.  All hate starts with fear.  All misguided deeds start with fear.
Fear of lack.  Fear of disconnection.  Fear of death.  Fear of loss.  Fear of humiliation.  Heck, it could even be fear of being eaten by bears.
Every day I have to choose.  I can choose to succumb to the fear of being invalid in the world.  Or I can choose to see that I possess the ability to exist in joy and love.  Actually, it is a choice that we all have to make whether we have a  chronic illness or not!
I choose to forgive those who act out their anger and fear in whatever form it may take.  I choose to forgive myself. 
I hope that you are having a wonderful holiday and hope that you are able to share it with those whom you love.  I hope that if you are having a conflict with someone you, you will decide that the relationship and love outweigh the conflict  and that you reach out to them without fearing that they will think that you are weak for being the first one to give in.
I know this post is a little maudlin and sappy.  But I think the  horrific events of last week has impacted me great deal and I just want to spread love in whatever way I can.  MS makes my world smaller in many ways so thank god for the Internet...