When I am not in front of the computer, the ideas are ready to be thought and placed on the page. When the page is available, I can think of 25 (non-productive) thing I would rather do.
Today, I am just going to put words down in a free form way, and hope for the best.
I am completely aware that my weird sort of mid-life crisis is well underway and shows no sign of dissipating any time soon. I am ambivalent about my practice, and I don't trust myself to become a writer. I have to quit thinking that I can override the MS fatigue, the inability to walk, my numb hands,...my depression and become something or someone else. I am not reinventing myself in the game. I am prematurely exiting the game. I am calling what is happening, an early retirement, but it is really, a physical and emotional inability to keep on keeping on.
So I am probably going to let the practice, as it exists now, die a lingering death. So now what? That the question and I am allowing the confusion and not-knowing-ness to be my current reality.
I am aware that a big chunk of the failure to thrive of my practice has everything to do with this attitude. If I am not putting the intention and effort in making something happen, it won't happen. The problem is, that I don't believe it will happen for me. I believe that even if I put in a lot of effort to make it happen, that somehow, it wouldn't happen anyway. I hear about therapist's who run into a perfect deal with a referral source, by chance, or they get recruited to a group practice or a dream job because they are so out there and so good at what they do. That kind of thing doesn't happen to me. Or maybe it does, but I'm not able to see it, because, maybe I'm really not the therapist I always hoped I was.
So who I am I without that role? I have been attached to the role of "Therapist" for so long, that I am not sure who this new person is! Maybe, I can reframe for myself and see this as an exciting new adventure into the unknown. Or I could quit being sappy and just decide that I am tired and am just moving into a lazy ass resting mode.
I'm always going to wonder about a whole plethora of what ifs, missteps and wrong decisions along the way. But the bottom line is, this is where I have landed. It is not so bad. Dana is successful enough that I no longer have to worry about how we will pay the bills. Any fear or anxiety is all ego feeling as if I am not leaving my mark on the world. Or , at least, not a big enough mark,
I am going to quit with lingering doubt and anxiety and let thing play out. You know, things have always been playing out. Things are always beyond our control.
I like those quizzes on Face book. You know, What state should you live in? Which famous dictator were you in a past life? and my fave Which Harry Potter Character are you? I always get Luna Lovegood, even if I try not to!. I stumbled upon quiz on Stumble Upon that was a little different. You were supposed to answer questions regarding how you would feel in a variety of situation. The last question was "You are lost in a deep fog in the woods. What would you do?" My response was, to move forward slowly and enjoy the mystery. The question said your answer indicates how you feel about death. I love my answer. I am going to choose to use that answer , not just abut death, but about ythe rest of my life.
I am going to move forward slowly and enjoy the mystery of what comes next
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