When does your narrative begin?
Your narrative is your linear story of your life. It doesn't necessarily coincide with your first memory. I have a very early first memory. When I was two years old the tip of my finger was sliced off when it was slammed in a door. I was playing hide and seek with my sister, and I found her in th bathroom. Unfortunately, she had taken a break from the game and she didn't take kindly to being spied on in the bathroom! I have memory of seeing my sister in the bathroom and I have memory of a very bright light in the doctor's office. These memories are static snapshots in my head and not sequential stories. They are pretty powerful, but they are not part of my narrative. In order to be part of my narrative, they must be part of a larger whole. They must have a place in a time line and they must have a sense of myself as the creator of my own story.
My narrative does not begin until much later. Despite these early memories, my sense of self existing in linear time and space doesn't really begin until fifth-grade .I remember lots of things before then, but they are somewhat disconnected from each other and they don't have a linear time line. But in the fifth grade I begin to have a sense of myself as a cocreator of my life.
Up until then, I did not have an internal locus of control. That is, I still felt as if life jut happened and I was along for the ride. In fifth grade, I began to have an internal sense of being somewhat in control of my destiny. Of course, as an 11 year old, I was curtailed from being in complete control by certain legalities and the whims of my parent. However, I was starting to understand that I had my own responses to situations. I was aware that circumstances may have been beyond my control, but that I could choose my behaviors in response.
I am sure that my narrative really began when my family moved to a new community. It was not the first time I moved to a new home, but it was the first time I really understood what it meant to leave friends and familiar places. It was the beginning of a new chapter of my life and it was the first time I felt that I was in charge of my destiny.
New chapters usually happen with be life developments or through catastrophic events. Starting high school or college are normal life developments. Being diagnosed with a chronic illness would be a good example of a catastrophe. New chapters propel you into self-reflection and self-discovery if you let them. They can be an opportunity for reinvention or they can lead to stagnation or despair.
High School seems to be a time when early narratives are really in high gear. Maybe that's why those friendships are so intense an why those four years take forever. Those experiences are all firsts and the first time for everything seems more intense and more important.
That's why new chapters in life are opportunities for discovery and reflection. They are the first time for something; a new experience. My current new chapter will start on August 10 when I drop my kid off at college for the first time and I will officially be an empty-nester.
This chapter will probably have as much impact as any that has come before, so I think I will continue this blog in upcoming posts so stay tuned!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Nothing is ever easy.
That has been my motto for awhile now. With MS even a small thing like buckling my seat belt or pouring soda into a glass can take on proportions similar to climbing Mount Everest. However, even without MS, I still think nothing important is easy, and if it is, you are probably doing it wrong or leaving something out. Easy is different than simple. Reciting 2 +2=4 is simple. Understanding what 2+2=4, takes some thought.
I have also decided that I am not really very nice. Nice is easy. Even the worst delinquents and sociopaths can be taught to be Nice. It is simple to have a kneejerk nice response such as please and thank you. It is simple to be nice by writing a check to charity or give a homeless person a dollar.
But it takes effort to be kind. I try to be kind and hope I am considered a kind person.
Sometimes kindness requires you to not be nice. People, especially women, are taught to be nice from childhood, but being kind is much more difficult to instill.
There are lots of rules to being nice and lots of judgments about nice behavior. Sharing means you are nice. Sitting quietly in your chair is nice. Waiting till everyone is served before you eat is nice. Nice is simple and clean and self focused. It asks for approval. "Did I do a nice job?" It is observable. "Does this look nice on me?" It is teachable and can be demanded. "Play nicely. Share and don't run in the house." Those are nice . Nice would like a payback. "If I am nice to you, you should be nice to me."
Kind is much more difficult. It is internal and intrinsic and not always obvious. Kind demands empathy. It requires restraint. It is spontaneous. It is taught, not through example alone, but through experiencing. Kindness creates connection that lasts longer than it takes to say thank you because it is reciprocal. It requires presence of mind and heart by giver which the receiver experiences at a much deeper level.
A few years back, Oprah used passing out free coffee on the street as her random act of kindness. This is not kindness, It is a nice gesture. It wasn't focused on others, really, as it had an ulterior motive for Oprah and the network. Kindness does not have a desire for recognition or payback. It is not resentful if the is no reward.
I am not saying being nice is not important. It is what keeps society from collapsing! I am saying that kindness is much more basic and necessary for human existence.
So I hope that I am kind and that when things are simple, I recognize that life requires effort in order to be something more than existing. Life requires connection to other through more than being nice.
I hope that I am kind and see beyond the outward needs of society. I hope I see what others need in their hearts. I hope I am able to, not just touch for a moment, but connect for a lifetime.
That has been my motto for awhile now. With MS even a small thing like buckling my seat belt or pouring soda into a glass can take on proportions similar to climbing Mount Everest. However, even without MS, I still think nothing important is easy, and if it is, you are probably doing it wrong or leaving something out. Easy is different than simple. Reciting 2 +2=4 is simple. Understanding what 2+2=4, takes some thought.
I have also decided that I am not really very nice. Nice is easy. Even the worst delinquents and sociopaths can be taught to be Nice. It is simple to have a kneejerk nice response such as please and thank you. It is simple to be nice by writing a check to charity or give a homeless person a dollar.
But it takes effort to be kind. I try to be kind and hope I am considered a kind person.
Sometimes kindness requires you to not be nice. People, especially women, are taught to be nice from childhood, but being kind is much more difficult to instill.
There are lots of rules to being nice and lots of judgments about nice behavior. Sharing means you are nice. Sitting quietly in your chair is nice. Waiting till everyone is served before you eat is nice. Nice is simple and clean and self focused. It asks for approval. "Did I do a nice job?" It is observable. "Does this look nice on me?" It is teachable and can be demanded. "Play nicely. Share and don't run in the house." Those are nice . Nice would like a payback. "If I am nice to you, you should be nice to me."
Kind is much more difficult. It is internal and intrinsic and not always obvious. Kind demands empathy. It requires restraint. It is spontaneous. It is taught, not through example alone, but through experiencing. Kindness creates connection that lasts longer than it takes to say thank you because it is reciprocal. It requires presence of mind and heart by giver which the receiver experiences at a much deeper level.
A few years back, Oprah used passing out free coffee on the street as her random act of kindness. This is not kindness, It is a nice gesture. It wasn't focused on others, really, as it had an ulterior motive for Oprah and the network. Kindness does not have a desire for recognition or payback. It is not resentful if the is no reward.
I am not saying being nice is not important. It is what keeps society from collapsing! I am saying that kindness is much more basic and necessary for human existence.
So I hope that I am kind and that when things are simple, I recognize that life requires effort in order to be something more than existing. Life requires connection to other through more than being nice.
I hope that I am kind and see beyond the outward needs of society. I hope I see what others need in their hearts. I hope I am able to, not just touch for a moment, but connect for a lifetime.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
The Crucial "C's"
The Crucial "C's"
There are many reasons to hate being in the hospital. Everyone tells you need to rest, but they come to your room every 10 minutes to check your vital signs. They make you wear that hideous gown with the open back so everyone can see your full moon. And every doctor ask you the same questions every time they do an examination. But, for me the main reason I hate being in the hospital has something to do with the crucial "C's".
I was having some problems with my duration and stamina and in recovering after becoming worn out . I was also ( embarrassingly enough) , having some major leakage problems, if you know what I mean .So I called my neurologist to see if I could get an appointment in the next few days. when I told him about my symptoms and he heard about the leakage problem, he told me he was concerned enough for me to go to the emergency room.
I really should have said no because I honestly didn't feel it warranted an emergency room visit . However, being the obedient girl that I am, I went . They took a urine sample, which made sense, and they ordered an MRI which I thought was sort of overkill , but then they told me they were going to admit me and that felt like, not only overkill , but extreme murderous overkill. That's when I should've said no.
Instead, I put on the hideous gown , had the MRI, and let myself get checked in . I was put onto the neurology ward next to a lady with Alzheimer's who kept screaming for someone to come and fix her blanket. I was labeled a falling risk and given some ugly yellow slippers with rubber soles and told not to get out of bed unless I called the nurse to help me .They also put these electronic leg massagers n me to avoid blood clots since I "don't walk very much". I kept telling them that I do a mile on the elliptical machine every day, but they just nodded and smile and looked condescending.
The crucial "C's" are personality attributes which everyone needs in order to feel confidence in the world . These are courage, capable, connect , and count . We all need to feel that we have the courage to be to face situations in our lives. We Need to feel that we are capable of conquering those situations . We need to feel connected to other people in our world, and we need to feel that we count and that we matter. (As an aside, I actually have a Bachelor's degree n music, and while I do nothing with it, I did use my "musical ability" to create a neumonic device for myself and set the crucial "C's" to Row, Row, Row your Boat.)
Being in the hospital took away every one of my crucial "C's". Although I tried to be courageous, my safety nets were unavailable for me . I had grabbed my phone and Kindle when going to the ER, I did not grab the charger for either one as I didn't know I was staying the all night. It took away my sense of connection to others. I definitely did not feel capable of even being able to walk to the bathroom by myself . And when no one really listens to you and talks to other people as if you are not there, it is hard to feel as if you matter .
The hospital employees were perfectly lovely and even the doctors were very nice and gracious to me . but it is hard to make up for the fact that you're reduced to being someone needy whose symptoms are more important than your personality . And did I mention the fact that everyone could see my ass every time I stood up? Dignity doesn't start with a C, but it is just as crucial in order to feel like a worthwhile person.
Although it is one of the crucial "C's" I am very aware of my need to feel competent. Feeling capable means you feel able to do something. But feeling competent means you feel you can do it well. I think I have spent me whole life proving to myself that I am competent. Nothing like that ass-exposing-no-one-listening-disconnected experience to strip away any semblance of competency.
Needless to say, by the time the neurologist saw me and declared that I could leave I was ready to mutiny and leave AMA (against medical advice) if they asked me to stay another night.
So next time you are feeling anxious or just off, check you crucial "C's" and adjust accordingly.
Here's the neumonic device
To the tune of Row, Row, Row your Boat.
Courage, capable connect and count.
Cucial "C's" Crucial "C's".
We need a large amount
There are many reasons to hate being in the hospital. Everyone tells you need to rest, but they come to your room every 10 minutes to check your vital signs. They make you wear that hideous gown with the open back so everyone can see your full moon. And every doctor ask you the same questions every time they do an examination. But, for me the main reason I hate being in the hospital has something to do with the crucial "C's".
I was having some problems with my duration and stamina and in recovering after becoming worn out . I was also ( embarrassingly enough) , having some major leakage problems, if you know what I mean .So I called my neurologist to see if I could get an appointment in the next few days. when I told him about my symptoms and he heard about the leakage problem, he told me he was concerned enough for me to go to the emergency room.
I really should have said no because I honestly didn't feel it warranted an emergency room visit . However, being the obedient girl that I am, I went . They took a urine sample, which made sense, and they ordered an MRI which I thought was sort of overkill , but then they told me they were going to admit me and that felt like, not only overkill , but extreme murderous overkill. That's when I should've said no.
Instead, I put on the hideous gown , had the MRI, and let myself get checked in . I was put onto the neurology ward next to a lady with Alzheimer's who kept screaming for someone to come and fix her blanket. I was labeled a falling risk and given some ugly yellow slippers with rubber soles and told not to get out of bed unless I called the nurse to help me .They also put these electronic leg massagers n me to avoid blood clots since I "don't walk very much". I kept telling them that I do a mile on the elliptical machine every day, but they just nodded and smile and looked condescending.
The crucial "C's" are personality attributes which everyone needs in order to feel confidence in the world . These are courage, capable, connect , and count . We all need to feel that we have the courage to be to face situations in our lives. We Need to feel that we are capable of conquering those situations . We need to feel connected to other people in our world, and we need to feel that we count and that we matter. (As an aside, I actually have a Bachelor's degree n music, and while I do nothing with it, I did use my "musical ability" to create a neumonic device for myself and set the crucial "C's" to Row, Row, Row your Boat.)
Being in the hospital took away every one of my crucial "C's". Although I tried to be courageous, my safety nets were unavailable for me . I had grabbed my phone and Kindle when going to the ER, I did not grab the charger for either one as I didn't know I was staying the all night. It took away my sense of connection to others. I definitely did not feel capable of even being able to walk to the bathroom by myself . And when no one really listens to you and talks to other people as if you are not there, it is hard to feel as if you matter .
The hospital employees were perfectly lovely and even the doctors were very nice and gracious to me . but it is hard to make up for the fact that you're reduced to being someone needy whose symptoms are more important than your personality . And did I mention the fact that everyone could see my ass every time I stood up? Dignity doesn't start with a C, but it is just as crucial in order to feel like a worthwhile person.
Although it is one of the crucial "C's" I am very aware of my need to feel competent. Feeling capable means you feel able to do something. But feeling competent means you feel you can do it well. I think I have spent me whole life proving to myself that I am competent. Nothing like that ass-exposing-no-one-listening-disconnected experience to strip away any semblance of competency.
Needless to say, by the time the neurologist saw me and declared that I could leave I was ready to mutiny and leave AMA (against medical advice) if they asked me to stay another night.
So next time you are feeling anxious or just off, check you crucial "C's" and adjust accordingly.
Here's the neumonic device
To the tune of Row, Row, Row your Boat.
Courage, capable connect and count.
Cucial "C's" Crucial "C's".
We need a large amount
Monday, July 1, 2013
Distractions
Distractions
Here are the things that have kept me from my blog.
My computer, my phone and my washing machine all died within two days of each other. Getting a new computer up and running meant trying to recover critical programs and files. My phone required switching users since US Cellular stopped serving the Chicagoland area. Taking care of this business and watching a growing pile of laundry was just a little too much. Once I got all of these issues managed, lo and behold, my son decided to graduate from high school requiring a whole series of events including becoming mired in maudlin nostalgia and mid-life crisis. Currently I am battling an enormous swarm of termites for my computer space. This constitute not only a disgusting annoyance, but a whole lot of terrifying economic possibilities. Therefore, I am being kept from my blog.
M life is in flux. I am facing the empty nest come August. This has some positive aspects. I will no longer get out of the shower and realize that every last towel in the house is currently in my sons room. I will no longer listen to the sound of Zombie battles from the ubiquitous Xbox. And, I won't have to sort through 200 pairs of socks to decide which are his, which are his dad's and which are being used as dust rags by the cleaning lady.
But mostly, My son leaving home, is making me feel sad and confused by how life went by so fast and what is going to happen in part 2.
My MS symptoms have begun to impact every part of my life and have been determining what I can and can't do with working and my career. I will be share my musing more frequently in an effort to inform and to figure it out myself. So look for more frequent posts.
Right now, though, I have to go kill some frigging termites...
Here are the things that have kept me from my blog.
My computer, my phone and my washing machine all died within two days of each other. Getting a new computer up and running meant trying to recover critical programs and files. My phone required switching users since US Cellular stopped serving the Chicagoland area. Taking care of this business and watching a growing pile of laundry was just a little too much. Once I got all of these issues managed, lo and behold, my son decided to graduate from high school requiring a whole series of events including becoming mired in maudlin nostalgia and mid-life crisis. Currently I am battling an enormous swarm of termites for my computer space. This constitute not only a disgusting annoyance, but a whole lot of terrifying economic possibilities. Therefore, I am being kept from my blog.
M life is in flux. I am facing the empty nest come August. This has some positive aspects. I will no longer get out of the shower and realize that every last towel in the house is currently in my sons room. I will no longer listen to the sound of Zombie battles from the ubiquitous Xbox. And, I won't have to sort through 200 pairs of socks to decide which are his, which are his dad's and which are being used as dust rags by the cleaning lady.
But mostly, My son leaving home, is making me feel sad and confused by how life went by so fast and what is going to happen in part 2.
My MS symptoms have begun to impact every part of my life and have been determining what I can and can't do with working and my career. I will be share my musing more frequently in an effort to inform and to figure it out myself. So look for more frequent posts.
Right now, though, I have to go kill some frigging termites...
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