Coincidence?

Coincidence?

Did you ever have the experience of thinking about something and then happening onto  a tv or radio story about that particu;lar thing?  It is probably coincidence or a matter of selectivw intelligence (look up the invisible gorilla on youtube). And then there is the possibility that the universe is conspiring with you to provide you with more information or confirmation about what you're thinking.  I choose to believe that it is number three.
I have been thinking so much about midlife crisis and what it means to see your ball, that you worked so hard to get to the top, starting to roll slowly down the hill toward the termination site.  And wouldn't you know it, but I heard a story about someone else struggling with those same issues on NPR (of course).  The story mirrored many of my own issues and feelings.  The line that struck me the hardest was that we all have to eventually realize that the future is finite.
I was watching a show years ago, some vapid sitcom are another, when one of the characters said that her brother was upset.  He had seen his name on a tombstone and he figured that meant he was going to die.  The other characters said  "Technically, if you see your name on a birth certificate it means your gonna die.". I love that line.  And now I love the line that we have to realize that the future is finite.  I think, as you age and your body starts to betray you, your world gets  smaller.  You travel within the confines of a smaller and smaller circle.  Your acquaintances and family start to die off.  The actors and actresses you see in the movies get younger and younger and you recognize fewer and fewer of them, so you go to fewer movies. You weed out possessions. You quit driving at night or driving into unfamiliar places.  The conversations are limited, as well.  You are just as likely to be talking about how many medications you take in the morning as you are about what book you just read.
Multiple sclerosis makes your world smaller, too.  I can't see to drive at night very well.  There is absolutely no hope that I will go on a walking tour of Europe someday, or even that I will go to Disney World.  Rather than looking forward to new steps toward a brilliant career, I am just looking to keep it going for a little bit longer.
I've figured it out. The future is finite for me.

Erik Erikson outlined the stages of human development.  Starting from infancy, he identified diametrically opposed psychosocial developmental stages. Hopefully I have made it through the earlier stages effectively and now I am in the middle of generativity versus stagnation and leading up to integrity versus despair.  Midlife crisis is contained within the generativity versus stagnation  stage.  Humans want to continue to produce.  They want to leave their mark in the world.  That is why giving up work is an important milestone.  How do I continue to be generative and productive? And when I am ready to give up the idea of being productive through my work, how do I step down with integrity rather than allowing myself to spiral in to the despair?

I could choose to see multiple sclerosis as a gift.  It allows me to examine how we move through our lives and ultimately into the great mystery of the beyond.  So I will choose the gift and in the meantime I'll keep trying to reach the Nirvana of getting the perfect body before summer... or just continuing to stay upright!