I have a confession to make. I have a crush on Michael J. Fox. It sort of makes sense that I would have an affinity for him now that he is an outspoken activist for stem cell research. But, I have had a crush on him since the 80s when he was Alex P. Keaton. Despite my disagreement with Alex P. Keaton's politics, his interactions with the Courtney Cox character on the show made my heart beat faster. Some guys just know how to be romantic.
Now, after reading his biography recently, I feel no shame in saying that my crush is absolutely justified. Here is a man who is dedicated to his family and kids. He is optimistic and has a wonderful self-deprecating humor about himself. And, best of all, he has faced a devastating illness with grace and courage. He's truly someone to emulate.
In his book he discusses faith versus hope. Faith is blindly leaping into the depths with the idea that someone will be at the bottom to catch you, based on an idea or someone else's assurance. And hope can be false hope that it is based purely on blind faith. However, education leads to informed hope. Michael J. Fox has educated himself about stem cell research and the possibilities that are informed by scientific research and successful experimentation. Informed hope is not a false hope or a blind faith.
I have never been focused on a cure for multiple sclerosis. I have an informed hope that it will be cured in my lifetime, but probably not in time for me to benefit from it. My informed hope focuses on being able to live a full life with a chronic illness and a possible handicap.
But I may be selling the scientific community little short. And maybe living with informed hope that someday there will be a cure for multiple sclerosis is one of the things that helps me live a full life.
I also have informed hope that the world will move forward. Stem cell research will be the wave of the future. Someday embryonic stem cell research will be the norm and we will look at the controversy the way we look at the controversy over mixed-race marriages. The universe is not set up to allow us to go backwards. Forward momentum is inevitable.
In quantum mechanics, there are particles which move faster and become louder to protestbwing destroyed. Maybe it's quarks. That's how I see the push against forward motion. People don't want to give up their old believes because they bring a sense of safety. Moving into uncharted territory is scary and so when we don't want to do it, we protest louder and louder and jump up and down and wave our arms and tell everyone how horrible this new thing is, in the hopes that we can remain safe and comfortable in the old ways
.
But I will say again, forward momentum is inevitable. It is not a leap of faith going blindly into the fire. It is an informed hope based on education and knowledge that changes will happen and science will discover new things and that someday there will be a cure for multiple sclerosis.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Friday, May 10, 2013
Coincidence?
Coincidence?
Did you ever have the experience of thinking about something and then happening onto a tv or radio story about that particu;lar thing? It is probably coincidence or a matter of selectivw intelligence (look up the invisible gorilla on youtube). And then there is the possibility that the universe is conspiring with you to provide you with more information or confirmation about what you're thinking. I choose to believe that it is number three.
I have been thinking so much about midlife crisis and what it means to see your ball, that you worked so hard to get to the top, starting to roll slowly down the hill toward the termination site. And wouldn't you know it, but I heard a story about someone else struggling with those same issues on NPR (of course). The story mirrored many of my own issues and feelings. The line that struck me the hardest was that we all have to eventually realize that the future is finite.
I was watching a show years ago, some vapid sitcom are another, when one of the characters said that her brother was upset. He had seen his name on a tombstone and he figured that meant he was going to die. The other characters said "Technically, if you see your name on a birth certificate it means your gonna die.". I love that line. And now I love the line that we have to realize that the future is finite. I think, as you age and your body starts to betray you, your world gets smaller. You travel within the confines of a smaller and smaller circle. Your acquaintances and family start to die off. The actors and actresses you see in the movies get younger and younger and you recognize fewer and fewer of them, so you go to fewer movies. You weed out possessions. You quit driving at night or driving into unfamiliar places. The conversations are limited, as well. You are just as likely to be talking about how many medications you take in the morning as you are about what book you just read.
Multiple sclerosis makes your world smaller, too. I can't see to drive at night very well. There is absolutely no hope that I will go on a walking tour of Europe someday, or even that I will go to Disney World. Rather than looking forward to new steps toward a brilliant career, I am just looking to keep it going for a little bit longer.
I've figured it out. The future is finite for me.
Erik Erikson outlined the stages of human development. Starting from infancy, he identified diametrically opposed psychosocial developmental stages. Hopefully I have made it through the earlier stages effectively and now I am in the middle of generativity versus stagnation and leading up to integrity versus despair. Midlife crisis is contained within the generativity versus stagnation stage. Humans want to continue to produce. They want to leave their mark in the world. That is why giving up work is an important milestone. How do I continue to be generative and productive? And when I am ready to give up the idea of being productive through my work, how do I step down with integrity rather than allowing myself to spiral in to the despair?
I could choose to see multiple sclerosis as a gift. It allows me to examine how we move through our lives and ultimately into the great mystery of the beyond. So I will choose the gift and in the meantime I'll keep trying to reach the Nirvana of getting the perfect body before summer... or just continuing to stay upright!
Did you ever have the experience of thinking about something and then happening onto a tv or radio story about that particu;lar thing? It is probably coincidence or a matter of selectivw intelligence (look up the invisible gorilla on youtube). And then there is the possibility that the universe is conspiring with you to provide you with more information or confirmation about what you're thinking. I choose to believe that it is number three.
I have been thinking so much about midlife crisis and what it means to see your ball, that you worked so hard to get to the top, starting to roll slowly down the hill toward the termination site. And wouldn't you know it, but I heard a story about someone else struggling with those same issues on NPR (of course). The story mirrored many of my own issues and feelings. The line that struck me the hardest was that we all have to eventually realize that the future is finite.
I was watching a show years ago, some vapid sitcom are another, when one of the characters said that her brother was upset. He had seen his name on a tombstone and he figured that meant he was going to die. The other characters said "Technically, if you see your name on a birth certificate it means your gonna die.". I love that line. And now I love the line that we have to realize that the future is finite. I think, as you age and your body starts to betray you, your world gets smaller. You travel within the confines of a smaller and smaller circle. Your acquaintances and family start to die off. The actors and actresses you see in the movies get younger and younger and you recognize fewer and fewer of them, so you go to fewer movies. You weed out possessions. You quit driving at night or driving into unfamiliar places. The conversations are limited, as well. You are just as likely to be talking about how many medications you take in the morning as you are about what book you just read.
Multiple sclerosis makes your world smaller, too. I can't see to drive at night very well. There is absolutely no hope that I will go on a walking tour of Europe someday, or even that I will go to Disney World. Rather than looking forward to new steps toward a brilliant career, I am just looking to keep it going for a little bit longer.
I've figured it out. The future is finite for me.
Erik Erikson outlined the stages of human development. Starting from infancy, he identified diametrically opposed psychosocial developmental stages. Hopefully I have made it through the earlier stages effectively and now I am in the middle of generativity versus stagnation and leading up to integrity versus despair. Midlife crisis is contained within the generativity versus stagnation stage. Humans want to continue to produce. They want to leave their mark in the world. That is why giving up work is an important milestone. How do I continue to be generative and productive? And when I am ready to give up the idea of being productive through my work, how do I step down with integrity rather than allowing myself to spiral in to the despair?
I could choose to see multiple sclerosis as a gift. It allows me to examine how we move through our lives and ultimately into the great mystery of the beyond. So I will choose the gift and in the meantime I'll keep trying to reach the Nirvana of getting the perfect body before summer... or just continuing to stay upright!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
I'm back from middle-life purgatory
Hello again, poor little neglected blog.
I think I may have figured out a few things about why I have not been motivated to post. I am very firmly in the midst of my midlife crisis, exacerbated by having multiple sclerosis. I think midlife crisis, for me anyway, has to do with having to look at the fact that your ball is starting to roll downhill instead of up.
My son is graduating from high school in a few weeks. He's going off to college in a different state. I know I'll always be a mother, but my role as a mother will significantly change very soon.
I am also seriously downsizing my private practice. Rather than frantically trying to get new clients, I am trying to quietly maintain the ones I have and finishing up them without worries about replacing them.
Other people at age 50 may start to look forward to being able to retire, but it is still far enough into the future in order to feel like just a distant wish.For someone with multiple sclerosis, the future is very much now.
My body is failing me in ways that I should not have to deal with until I am much older or at all. I see people in their 70s traveling, spending time with the active hobbies...heck, just going to the mall and being able to walk to more than three stores without having to stop!
So my midlife crisis is this: how do I transition into the next phase of my life with integrity? How do I maintain relevancy without my role as a therapist trying to grow a practice? Growing my career, rather than downsizing my career has been my focus for my entire adult life. How do I continue doing... things that contribute?
Although I know that there are no new thoughts in the world, and in my writing voice is not stupendously great, I need to continue to explore my thoughts, to expand my subject matter, and remain connected to the world.
So poor little neglected blog, I am going to make a much greater effort to contribute to you, to find my voice, and create connections.
I think I may have figured out a few things about why I have not been motivated to post. I am very firmly in the midst of my midlife crisis, exacerbated by having multiple sclerosis. I think midlife crisis, for me anyway, has to do with having to look at the fact that your ball is starting to roll downhill instead of up.
My son is graduating from high school in a few weeks. He's going off to college in a different state. I know I'll always be a mother, but my role as a mother will significantly change very soon.
I am also seriously downsizing my private practice. Rather than frantically trying to get new clients, I am trying to quietly maintain the ones I have and finishing up them without worries about replacing them.
Other people at age 50 may start to look forward to being able to retire, but it is still far enough into the future in order to feel like just a distant wish.For someone with multiple sclerosis, the future is very much now.
My body is failing me in ways that I should not have to deal with until I am much older or at all. I see people in their 70s traveling, spending time with the active hobbies...heck, just going to the mall and being able to walk to more than three stores without having to stop!
So my midlife crisis is this: how do I transition into the next phase of my life with integrity? How do I maintain relevancy without my role as a therapist trying to grow a practice? Growing my career, rather than downsizing my career has been my focus for my entire adult life. How do I continue doing... things that contribute?
Although I know that there are no new thoughts in the world, and in my writing voice is not stupendously great, I need to continue to explore my thoughts, to expand my subject matter, and remain connected to the world.
So poor little neglected blog, I am going to make a much greater effort to contribute to you, to find my voice, and create connections.
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