Fatigue

Before I start, let me just say that another reason I know that I am not a writer is by the frequency that I put off completing started projects.  I have lots of ideas and first lines,  but  getting them  to some kind of fruition remains somewhat futile!
Now that I've said that, let me talk about today's topic which is fatigue.  You may think that fatigue is only feeling tired and needing to go to bed or take a nap.  However, fatigue includes muscle fatigue or even mental fatigue.
Did you know that most people will have to quit working because of MS actually do so because of the fatigue.  I always thought I was pretty lucky that I don't have seriously excessive tiredness. I do have to go to bed early and sometimes would like to take a nap in midafternoon, but I generally am functional during daytime hours.  However, I am actually greatly impacted by muscles fatigue.  It really doesn't take much. In the morning when I go to work out, I can walk in relatively quickly and park my cane while I use the  weightlifting equipment.  At least two to three times a week I get on the elliptical machine.  I actually think it's kind of fun because, as I have said before, this is not a movement I can do in real life.  It's as close as I can get to running!  My goal is usually at least three quarters of a mile.  If I'm feeling pretty good after that, I will continue on for a whole mile.  I can tell when it is time to get off the machine when my knees start to knock together and a have to use more hip muscles to get my legs to move the pedals. I am not winded.  I am not breathing heavy or sweating.  I would love to be able to stay on for half an hour or longer, but I also like to be able to walk to my car.
 Even on the days where I don't get on the elliptical machine and only do weightlifting, it is still a struggle to get to my car without tripping.  Once the car door is open, I literally cannot lift my leg high enough to put it into the car.  I have to just sit down and then lift our legs physically with my arms.
This is the kind of muscle fatigue that is pretty debilitating. People who have jobs where they have to stand or do physical labor or  lift things, it makes continuing to work an actual impossibility.  For professionals such as myself, the need to stand is limited.  They need to lift is limited.  And, apart from picking up toys, there is just not much physical labor involved in what I do.  This is why I have been able to go close to 18 years with multiple sclerosis and still work.  And until I got laid off, I was actually working two jobs the entire time that I have had MS, because I have always maintained a private practice.  Now that I only have one job,  I absolutely remain ambivalent about not working.  I probably over identify with my role as a therapist.  Because I am not a real writer, the writing life does not seem to be a viable option for something else to do, and I really do love the work. But I am tired and they are days where I think I am shortchanging my clients because I am so not with it.  Even when I use tricks like trying to space out my clients, I just lack motivation and energy.
Despite my ambivalence about stopping working, it is a real frustration that I am not viewed as someone who is  not handicapped enough.  I guess just because at any moment I might trip and fall, or because I might fall asleep in a client session (this has actually happened), the Disability Administration does not consider me someone who deserves to benefit from guaranteed health care or financial security.  I know I sound a little whiny and bitter and petty today.  But really I am not angry.  I am just very confused about the definition of disability and am not sure what someone has to endure to receive some benefit. I am not trying to say that I want  to be one of those "takers".   I'm just fatigued and tired of wondering when I'll HAVE to stop working.  I guess in a world where I have no control, I would like to feel a little control over my career, and being able to know that my insurance will not be at risk, will let me be a little bit more in control of my destiny.