new chapter

Some things defy emotional preparation.  You can read up on expected event and buy the necessary accouterments.  You can talk with others regarding their experiences, but until you have been there, you don't really know how your body and psyche will respond. 

It always makes me puzzled when people say they could never deal with MS.  They could never give themselves a shot or continue to function at work...But I know that they would do what they had to do. 

People frequently say "I would never let my kid do that" about something they see random parents do. But I know that they would be a lot more flexible if they wore those same shoe.

I know there is a culture of people who think they could take down a rouge, crazed gunman if they were only armed themselves, but I know they would surprise themselves with their reactions to the physiological stress.

So, all this to say that I don't think there is any way to know how I will respond when I drop off my son at college tomorrow.  Just as I couldn't know what it would be like to hold his tiny little infant self for the first time, or to bring him home the first time, or to take him to preschool the first time.  To hear him say "I love you" the first time or ride a bike or get hurt or have a croup attack in the middle of the night...any of the million firsts that you experience as a parent.

So I will have to let you know how I experience the moment my son walks out of this house as a permanent resident and walks into his own new chapter as an adult. Sure his room will stay the same (only neater and with less profanity emanating from it while he interact with computer buddies).  And even though it has morphed through the years from a nursery to a playroom to a cluttered teenage mess, the constant as always been my sweet, loud, sloppy, insightful, smart, smart-alacky, wonderful kid.

I will let you know what it is like to walk back into an infinitely quieter, neater, less smelly house.  I will let you know how it feels to not buy chips and Cheerios at the grocery store or to cook without worrying if he will eat something unusual.  It sounds freeing and relaxing, but I think it will be sad and lonely..

.but I am looking forward to stealing his computer chair!